When I first learned to make empathy guesses using Nonviolent Communication (NVC), it felt awkward and unnatural — almost like learning a foreign language.
I would say things to my teenage children like, “Are you feeling…?” or “Are you needing…?” and they would respond, usually with visible annoyance, “Oh Mom, are you doing that NVC stuff again? Please stop!”
Needless to say, teenage children are not always the ideal practice partners for new communication skills.
So I turned to the next best option: the sauna at my gym.
People in saunas tend to chat, and before long someone would inevitably share a frustration, complaint, or challenge — a perfect opportunity to practice empathy.
One day a man said, clearly irritated, “Why is it that every time I come here to swim, those older women are having their water aerobics class?”
I paused and wondered: What might he be feeling? What might he be needing?
Gathering my courage, I said, “You sound disappointed. I imagine this may be the only time you have available to exercise.”
He looked surprised for a moment and replied, “Yeah.”
Then he added, “This has happened several times.”
I had to resist the urge to say, “Why don’t you just check the swim schedule?” Instead, I responded, “That sounds really frustrating. Your physical health and well-being are important to you.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “I think I need to get a copy of the swim schedule.”
Sometimes people discover their own solutions when they first feel understood.
Before long, I made it my mission to offer empathy to everyone who entered that sauna. One person even asked, “Are you a therapist?” (I had taken exactly one psychology class in college.)
The only problem was that after about twenty minutes, I would become too hot and sweaty to continue my empathy experiments.
Still, the confidence I gained there stayed with me. I began practicing empathy everywhere: at the grocery store, in bank lines, at the farmers market.
One day, when a grocery checker asked how I was doing, instead of replying with the automatic “Fine,” I answered honestly:
“I’m actually feeling overwhelmed with everything on my plate.”
She immediately replied, “Me too. It seems like everyone is stressed these days.”
Another opportunity for empathy.
“I imagine you’d really like to feel more ease and comfort at work,” I said.
“Yes,” she answered. “It makes it harder to be nice to customers when I’m stressed.”
“It sounds like you care about showing up as your best self and making people’s days a little brighter.”
She smiled and said, “Well, you just brightened mine.”
I practically floated out of the store after that interaction, and I imagine she felt a little lighter too.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, often said that one of our greatest joys is contributing to the well-being of others. Given how stressed and disconnected many people seem these days, empathy may be one of the greatest gifts we can offer.
My colleague, Alan Rafael Seid, defines empathy this way:
“Empathy is a universal human need for being deeply understood. When offering empathy, we embody a quality of being completely present with what is alive in the other person moment to moment. Therefore, empathy has a quality of following, rather than leading.”
Most of us, however, are conditioned to lead rather than follow. Instead of empathizing, we often respond with:
- Sympathy: “I’m so sorry you can’t swim.”
- Advice: “Why don’t you come earlier?”
- Interrogation: “Can’t you do another kind of exercise?”
- Education: “You should get a copy of the swim schedule.”
- One-upping: “That’s nothing — I couldn’t swim for four months after I broke my arm.”
These responses are usually well-intentioned, but they can pull attention away from the other person’s actual experience.
Lately, I keep hearing that empathy is one of the qualities most needed in these uncertain times. Human connection feels more precious than ever. Offering our full presence, listening deeply, and responding with genuine empathy may be some of the best medicine available to us.
The world needs many things right now. But perhaps, more than anything else, it needs empathy.