You know those moments when someone says, “I feel ignored,” or “I feel like I’m being treated unfairly”?
They sound like feelings—but there’s actually a lot to unpack in these phrases.
In NVC, we call these faux feelings: interpretations or beliefs that sound emotional but actually describe what we think someone else is doing/intending. And when you confuse these ideas for your real feelings, it’s easy to get stuck. Afterall, if the problem is out there with them, what can you do, right?
It can be challenging to move the conversation beyond "who’s at fault" and toward something more meaningful.
Feelings—like joy, sadness, anger, or fear—arise naturally when our needs are met or unmet. If a friend cancels plans, for example, you might feel disappointed because your need for connection wasn’t met. That’s a true internal experience; your focus is on yourself.
Faux feelings, on the other hand, come from interpretation. “I feel criticized” really means, “I think you’re judging me.” It points to a story about someone else. It’s normal to wonder about another person’s possible intentions, but it’s hard to move forward with agency and empowerment when you’re only tracking them.
That’s one of the reasons why we created the GROK Cards—think of them as your pocket guide to these sticky situations. By pulling a few cards reflecting YOUR feelings/needs tied to the idea of being “criticized”, or any faux feeling, you’re much more likely to find a need-meeting strategy within your sphere of control.
And that, to me, is the core idea behind unpacking this concept of faux feelings – more empowerment for you.
REQUEST: If you want to give this a try, send us a pic of your F/N cards spread out on a table. You can share the initial faux feeling if you’d like or keep that to yourself. But we would absolutely love to see snapshots of those feelings and needs! Reply to this email if you’re game.